Emma's Journal

4:09pm: Stuff!
Things to buy when I get paid:
B/w + colour 35mm film.
Shoes I can walk in.
Hair dye.
Christmas presents for - Adam, Mum, Daniel, Riff, Grace, Emma, Lana, Sam.
Dexter in the Dark, Dexter by Design.
TATTOO! http://melancholy-protection.net/skatanic/ouroboros.jpg
Undies.

7:51pm: I feel so loved.
.....</sarcasm>

10:34am: The F word!!~
Oh, hello LJ.
How long has it been?
Five weeks,
apparently.
Five weeks in which my thoughts have actually been so fucked up that I didn't even consider typing them.

Well, Good.

I just want to say FUCK IT!
Because embarrassing myself on here by telling you how I feel is not fucking worth it.

Fuck this shit.
Fuck trying.
Fuck the whole fucking lot of it.
The only way I can come here and let things out is if I am letting out positive thoughts.

Whatever, mate.

Try a little bit harder.

And sorry,
anyone,
for sounding so selfish,
but I think it's about time I thought a little bit more about myself over others.

^I know that isn't going to work.
To be fair, you all mean a lot more to me than myself.
I love you all just a little bit too much.
It actually hurts me that I know so little about the people I care so much about.
I don't want to have to come online to find out how my friends are.
When I do, I find that you are not doing so well.

I wish I could help you.
Sorry for continuously being so shit.

2:46am: ...
I've been shit. Totally shit. I'm sorry. Everyone.

9:32pm: Writer's Block: When I Grow Up...

Your mother >D

1:02am: I was going to write something really meaningful...

I'd almost finished writing after about half an hour of rambling...
And then thought to myself
'there is absolutely no point'.
It was all about me,
and I realized I must be wrong about how I see things,
because half an hour of writing nothing but endless contradictions can't be right.

It's bullshit.
I don't even know myself.
Fuck this shit.

Ok, Emma. Get things right before you start ranting about this fucking crap.
Grow up and get the fuck on with it.

I say that to myself

HA

As if...

It's not that simple...

Let me try to explain....




I'm not lazy, but I get nothing done.

I'm not nice, but people like me anyway.

I'm not nasty, but there are people who hate me anyway.

I don't sympathize, but I empathize so much it's depressing.

I'm bitter about everything... and I both love and hate it at the same time.

I can't stand people complaining, but I insist on knowing what's wrong.

I hate emos... but I am such an emo all the time. I just don't look like them.

I complain about people who do the same things I do.


There's more, but I'm far too tired.

It's frustrating.

I just want to understand.
But I'm not prepared to read into my own thought that much.
I'm in a bad enough place as it is.
I can't be dealing with anymore bullshit I've created.
So I'll try to leave that till I'm feeling better.

Urgh....